Once again, the time has come for me to take a short leave of absence.  This one will commence immediately at the end of this post and will continue until Monday, December 1st, at which point I will return with regular updates.  If this displeases you, I implore you to at least take solace in the fact that there are encouraging signs from the Chris King Headset Composite Index.  When we last checked on November 14th the CKHCI was at 71.53, and it is now at 72.21:


Or, to put it another way:


As you take your seat at the Thanksgiving table, I hope you will join me in not only giving thanks for this uptick but also in praying for the CKHCI's continued growth.  Hopefully, this bodes well for the retail orgy that is Black Friday, as well as for the regular orgy that is Sepia Saturday.
I hope you will also take solace in the fact that I will not be squandering my recess.  I've long known that you can build a custom fixed-gear over at Pedalmafia (home of the tiny fixed-gear models), but until Stevil Kinevil of HTATBL sent me this mind-blowing creation I simply did not appreciate the full potential of the application:



As such, I will spend at least part of my recess virtually fabricating my own "whip."  Personally, I wanted something less Dr. Seussian and more practical, and I'm already off to a ripping start:



As you can see, though, I still have a long way to go.  You'll note from the pile of top tube pads and grips on my worktable that I'm still deciding on accessories.  Note also the Look Ergostem, which I'm using in order to dial in my position.  (I think I can get the front end lower, though I'd hate to ditch that Cinelli Alter stem since it looks so sweet with the lime green Skyway Tuff Wheel II.)  Still, I think it's pretty sexy.  And it's even sexier in sepia:


Then again, everything's sexier in sepia:

And yes, this image is perfectly safe for work--not only because it's sepia-toned, but also because it's pre-20th century.  While sepia alone can't always legitimize a photograph, any art historian or porn-monger will tell you that pornography automatically becomes art after 100 years, no matter how explicit it may be.
So if your nationality and/or disposition compels you to observe Thanksgiving, I hope you enjoy yours.  If not, you may still feel free to take part in Sepia Saturday.  And regardless of how you choose to spend this week, I'll see you again on December 1st (otherwise known as "Mauve Monday").
Many thanks for reading,

--BSNYC/RTMS

If you live in New York, then you love being miserable. And if you love being miserable, you probably also love cyclocross. So if you're a miserable cyclocross-loving New Yorker (or a miserable cyclocross lover with access to New York) you'll be "pleased" to know that there will be a cyclocross race on Staten Island next Sunday, November 30th. Shrouded in mystery, Staten Island is a magical place--not only because it is perpetually 1987 there, but also because it manages to make its neighbor New Jersey seem sophisticated. Also, Staten Island is ordinarily an irony-free zone, but if you're the type of person who gets uncomfortable without it I expect the organizers will bring plenty. I understand they've even secured waffle and bacon sponsors, and as everybody knows bacon is currently the ironic meat of choice.

Not only that, but this very weekend is the Whitmore's Landscaping Super Cross Cup in Southampton, LI. You may recall that this is the event at which you can win a Richard Sachs cyclocross bike. What you may not be aware of is that the promoter gets very defensive when people imply that the Hamptons air is too rarified for 'cross, and even goes so far as to assert that Long Island is "not even an island, even though it’s called Long Island. It’s a peninsula." This struck me as an absurd claim--until I learned that the Supreme Court actually did rule that Long Island is a peninsula back in 1985, which is nearly as mind-bending as that geared singlepeed. In any case, there's ironic 'cross on Staten Island, as well as UCI 'cross on an ironic peninsula.

With that out of the way, I now present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think carefully, and then click on your answer. If you're correct, you'll know if. If you're wrong, you'll see this Columbia Sportswear commercial with a unicycle in it that I saw while watching "The Chocolate News."

Ride safe this weekend,


--BSNYC/RTMS

1) Thursday morning in Brooklyn--what's going on here?

--Fallen tree + Amateur traffic direction = Clustercoitus

--There's a sale at Macy's

--Ridgewood, Queens has just been declared the "next hot neighborhood" and all of Boerum Hill is moving there en masse

--Word's gone out that a nearby bike lane needs obstructing

2) Which booming trend is not in evidence in this photo? (Warning: answering correctly reveals a person on a toilet.)

--The vintage Italian saddle trend

--The Bullhorn-Equipped Road Bike (BERB) trend

--The disc-specific 29er rim trend

--The "vintage" GT triple-triangle trend

3) What is this jersey?

--A worldwide campaign to save lives

--A worldwide campaign to embarrass cyclists

--The maillot vent for the most flatulent rider in the Tour de France

--Court-mandated after that unfortunate misunderstanding at GapKids

4) What's going on here?

--The rider is modeling Rapha's new $400 "Derelicte" knee warmers

--The rider is modeling a pair of plastic rain chaps

--The rider is sporting an essential component of the modular maillot d'incontinence

--The rider is racing cyclocross and he got tangled up in the course tape

5) Where can you buy this $4,300 Ferrari bicycle?

--Wal-Mart

--Hammacher Schlemmer

--Brookstone

--Toys 'R' Us

6) What's the most likely explanation for the above?

--Someone is both smug and anachronistic

--Someone is on the way to a Grover Cleveland rally

--Someone is on the way to Williamsburg to do some ironic cycling

--Someone is on the way to Colonial Williamsburg to do some period-correct direct-drive freestyling

7) What would really tie this p-far together?

--A top tube pad

--An Aerospoke

--A pair of MKS track pedals

--All of the above

8) What kind of contest is taking place above?

--A trackstand contest

--An irony contest

--A contest to determine which rider has most effectively sublimated a need for attention into front wheel form

--A crotch-numbing contest

9) Professional cyclist Sylvain Chavanel was recently injured in:

--A tragic Beaujolais-opening incident

--A penny-farthing accident

--A cyclocross-related groin pull

--A tragic oyster-shucking incident

On Tuesday I ran a number of cycling-related websites through the Genderanalyzer, which yielded some interesting if not entirely accurate results. Of the sites analyzed, the most masculine by a huge margin was Lance Armstrong's Twitter, at 93%. Well, I recently discovered that another cycling-related site is sitting right on Armstrong's wheel in the masculinity department, coming in at a resounding 89%:

I'm not sure what kind of e-pheromones Son of Zone Baby is exuding to elicit such a positive result (besides the fact it has "Son" in the title of course), but if you're looking to read something that will put some hair on your chest, go check it out.

Meanwhile, the blog you're currently reading is holding fast at 52% female, which while not entirely accurate is at least consistent. I for one value consistency over accuracy, which it so happens is the same rationale used by many devotees of friction-shifting. Besides, regardless of whether you're running/rocking male or female reproductive organs, when it comes to being successful the real determining factor is moxie. And like this blog, moxie is gender-neutral. Take this messenger-versus-model race, forwarded to me by a reader:


There's a long tradition of pointless, apples-and-oranges, mismatched exhibition races in our culture. Jesse Owens raced against a horse, Mario Cipollini raced against a horse (though rumors he subsequently bedded it are unsubstantiated), the TV show "Top Gear" pitted a Ford Mustang against a horse, and even I raced against a Smart (but only because no horses were available, probably because the ASPCA got wind of the Mario Cipollini incident). However, I was immediately skeptical about this particular mismatched exhibition race when I heard the messenger, Al Busano, claim that he delivers over a thousand packages a week.

This is a bold claim to say the least. Even if Busano works ten hours a day, seven days a week, he'd need to deliver over 140 packages a day in order to meet that number. That's 14 packages an hour, or roughly one package every four minutes. Either: 1) Busano is omnipresent; 2) Busano delivers mostly interoffice correspondence; or 3) Busano is inflating his number. In any case, even if he is rounding up by a factor of ten, he should have no trouble beating a fashion model on a skateboard, right?

...even if her "secret weapon" is apparently the ability to employ her legs in conjunction with her labia while riding a skateboard, and even if she's wearing the notoriously arresting Sue Ellen Mishky blazer-with-a-bra-for-a-top combo that made Kramer crash his car into a pole in that "Seinfeld" episode:
Well, if you were pulling for the mendacious messenger to defeat the skateboarding model rocking a prehensile vagina, I'm sorry to say you were disappointed. Personally, I suspect the contest was rigged, and that the people at Style.com somehow stacked the odds in favor of the model. If they'd really wanted a close race, they'd have made her race against Mario Cipollini, though had they done that there's a good chance the competitors never would have gotten on their respective forms of wheeled conveyance and the video would have taken a decidedly pornographic turn. Or else, they could have used one of the female messengers from this recent New York Times article. My personal choice would have been German emigree Carmen Burkhart, described in the article as "a slight, tight-bodied 43-year-old who smokes and drinks only hot coffee for hydration, even in the summer:"

(Carmen Burkhart: weltschmerz in motion)

In a match-up like that, the smart money would clearly be on the wiry dehydrated nicotine-and-caffeine-addled Teuton over the ditz on the skateboard. Not only that, but the video would have been way more entertaining to watch.

But competing in phony races isn't the only thing that takes moxie. It also takes moxie to maintain your bicycle's drivetrain. And since moxie seems to be a non-renewable resource in our culture, the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company is finally bringing to the mass market a drivetrain that requires no moxie whatsoever in order to maintain:

The carbon fiber belt drive bicycle drivetrain is nothing new--we've already seen it from Spot--but Trek is wisely marketing it to the commuter rather than the racer (though Travis Brown has been running and/or rocking one too). While I've been critical of Trek in the past, I have to say that I'm not only in favor of the belt drive commuter bicycle, but moreover I feel as though Trek is doing me a personal favor with it. I've voiced my irritation over the fact that so many commuters are unable to lubricate their drivetrains before, so a bicycle that will run quietly without lubrication is nothing less than a godsend to me. I can only hope that the lubricant-impaired take to this system en masse and I never get stuck behind another squeaky, rusty, non-shifting drivetrain ever again. After all, Trek's fellow Wisconsinites Harley Davidson have already successfully shown the world that when convenience and low maintenance are more important than performance a belt drive is the way to go. (They've also convinced an entire generation of dentists and lawyers to ride around on overpriced flatulent motorcycles while wearing leather chaps, but that's something else.) And the rest of us don't even have to give up our chains--apart from the metaphorical chains that bind us to our irritating noisy-biked cousins, that is.

Not only that, but while killing off the noisy chain the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company may have unwittingly dealt the coup de grâce to the already-withering colored deep-V trend as well, since the new belt-drive District comes with high-profile rims of orange:

No way colored deep-Vs can survive this with their street cred intact. I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, Trek. Thank you.

As the fixed-gear trend arguably reaches the point of total mainsteam absorption, the penny-farthing trend appears to be taking its place. On Monday I pointed out that penny-farthings not only trump the fixed-gear in terms of zen-like simplicity, but are also "chick magnets." Since then, my assertion has been borne out, as photos of modern-day penny-farthings (or "p-fars," if you're the type of person who says "fixie") continue to pour in from around the world:

From Hjulcompaniet in Norway comes an excellent example of what you can expect to replace the "fixter" in the coming months. Note that instead of wearing snug women's trousers, the "p-farster" is wearing loose-fitting bloomers. It's also interesting to note that he's sporting relatively modern-looking eyeglasses. There's a raging debate in the p-far community as to whether these sorts of glasses are acceptable. Proponents point out that over-the-ear eyeglasses have been around for centuries, but purists maintain that they weren't very popular until fairly recently and as such opt for the pince-nez.

From Melbourne, Australia comes this fascinating example. Interestingly, this rider eschews period-correctness and has even incorporated modern accessories such as a u-lock and a spoke card (or, given the size of the wheel, a spoke treatise). Also, this photo proves once again that the p-far is a "chick magnet," as there is a blonde woman with bare legs and high heels in close proximity. It's obvious that this photo was taken just after she spotted the p-far and just before she followed the owner into the building, where she probably smiled coyly at him and encouraged him to send a telegram or perhaps even (gasp!) call upon her in person for tea.

We've already seen colored deep-Vs and adhesive letters in the fixed-gear scene, and it would appear that the p-far scene may be following suit. Unfortunately, though, this rider has failed to take advantage of all the space with which his huge front wheel provides him. Instead of simply spacing out the letters, he could have really seized upon the opportunity to employ some flowery Victorian-era prose. If he's reading, I recommend revising this message before making a sepia-toned daguerreotype and submitting it to pennyfarthinggallery.

But while some trend-seekers have abandoned the fixie for the p-far, others have left it for the road bike, and they're taking their fixed-gear habits with them. A reader has pointed out to me a new trend of road bikes equipped with bullhorns, and I must say that this is in line with what I've been seeing on the streets of New York City:

I've definitely been observing more and more people using bullhorns on their road bikes, and frankly I find it disturbing. Bullhorns became popular on fixed-gear bikes because they allow a hand position similar to that of riding with your hands on your brake hoods. However, once you've got a road bike with actual brake hoods there's no reason to use bullhorns. (Unless you're building up a time trial bike or something, in which case you're about to get sucked into the rabbit hole of compulsively anal behavior and there's no hope for you.) The drop bar with STI levers affords you all the hand positions of the bullhorn, keeps all your controls at your fingertips, and gives you the added bonus of drops when you need them. Then again, urban fixed-gear riders are highly averse to drop bars, and when they do use them it's simply an aesthetic choice. Even those who choose to maintain the stylistic integrity of their "classic" track bikes by using drop bars still often ride with their hands on the tops even when they're out of the saddle. It would follow then that they'd carry their bullhorns over to their road bikes. In fact, with more and more riders coming to other types of cycling via fixed-gears, it may be only a matter of time before the drop bar becomes extinct and bike companies start selling road bikes stock with bullhorns, top-mount brake levers, and bar-end shifters (in addition to the flat-bar road bikes they're already selling of course).

But what if you're not ready to abandon your fixed-gear for the p-far or the bullhorn-equipped road bike? Well, fortunately there's still a place for you. In Japan. The proprietor of a "Keirin bar" in Tokyo has just informed me that I can stop in for a Nama Beer if I'm ever in Nakameguro. According to the description on their website, I can also order a Ginger Mint Mojito if I prefer, and I can drink it beneath a "kaleidoscope of Japanese Keirin Track frames:"

It's good to know that the Ginger Mint Mojito is a "drink for any occasion," because if I do ever go to Nakameguro you can be sure to find me sucking them down in rapid succession at Kinfolk as I play with my tiny fixed-gear models beneath a kaleidoscope of Keirin frames. You can also be sure that by last call I'll be passed out in my underpants on the sofa in the background, surrounded by tiny fixed-gear models and smelling strongly of ginger like some tragic parody of Bill Murray in "Lost In Translation."

Speaking of tiny bicycle models, if you're looking for something to add to your own collection look no further than Philadelphia Craislist, where a reader informs me you can purchase a "G.I. Joe Like Soldier On Bicycle With Gear" for the incredibly low price of $20:

G.I. JOE LIKE SOLDIER ON BICYCLE WITH GEAR- GUN, HELMET, GOOGLES & BAG - $20 (DELAWARE COUNTY)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-11-18, 4:16PM EST

THIS IS NOT A G.I. JOE BUT IT IS VERY SIMILAR TO ONE. HE COMES COMPLETE WITH A HELMET, MESSENGER BAG, MACHINE GUN AND GOOGLES. HE IS DRESSED IN A COMPLETE CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORM. HIS BOOTS FIT IN THE TOE STRAPS AND THE BACK WHEEL SPINS WHEN THE PEDALS ARE TURNED BY A RUBBERBAND DRIVEN CHAIN. THE FRONT WHEEL ALSO SPINS. THERE IS A KICKSTAND THAT HOLDS HIM UP AND A WATER BOTTLE CAGE BUT NO WATER BOTTLE. THIS SOLDIER IS READY TO FIGHT! THANKS!

Between those track bike models and this I may never have to leave the house again--though my play may now become a bit more bellicose. My only reservation is that the quasi-G.I. Joe's bike doesn't come with a water bottle, since I'm not sure where I'd be able to find one. (There may be one in my Barbie's Workout Center, but I'd hate to open the shrink-wrap and break up the set.) Then again, the soldier does Google, so he may be able to find one for himself. Intrigued, I set about trying to determine whether the seller was male or female by running the ad through the Genderanalyzer, which yielded the following result:

I guess I may never know.

One thing I do know, though, is that telecommunications companies are looking out for cyclists. (Well, not specifically cyclists, but I suppose we benefit by default.) If you're a cyclist, by now you're probably accustomed to avoiding drivers who are far more engrossed in their cellphones than they are in where they're going. Personally, I'm more afraid of a driver holding a cellphone than one holding a Ginger Mint Mojito. For this reason, I was simulaneously heartened and irritated to see this tiny icon in the corner of a Sprint cellphone advertisement in a respected and highly pretentious magazine:

Wanting to learn more, I placed the highly pretentious magazine in the recycling bin where it belonged and consulted the same popular search engine the quasi-G.I. Joe uses, where I learned this:

A cellphone company telling teens not to drive distracted is kind of like Philip Morris telling parents to talk to their kids about smoking, though I do appreciate the effort. I also find it entertaining that the program speaks to teens "in their own language, using real-world examples," and I'd love to see the part of the instructional video where they show the kid pulling over safely and coming to a stop before answering that long-awaited callback from his weed dealer. Hopefully the "Focus on Driving" program speaks more loudly to teens than my own PSA, which while poignant admittedly falls into the generational gap:

And cellphones aren't only deadly in the hands of drivers. We cyclists are equally vulnerable to the cellphone's siren call (or text). Just a few days ago I witnessed a woman ride through a red light at a major intersection while on her cellphone. She then ran into the broadside of a yellow cab (which amazingly had been doing nothing illegal or dangerous), at which point she took the phone off her ear and shouted obscenities at the driver before returning it to the side of her head and continuing on her loquacious way.

But as a New Yorker I suppose I should consider myself lucky, for while I may have to dodge cellphone-wielding drivers and cyclists on my commute a reader correctly points out that I have yet to have a run-in with a bear:

I was glad to see that both rider and bear seem to be OK, and that neither was using a cellphone at the time of the collision (though fortunately the bear had the wherewithal to call for an ambulance). I was also pleased to see that the rider was on a cyclocross bike and that penny-farthing craze has not yet reached Missoula, which means that while we may see more and more of them in the coming months it should be a good while before the trend moves into its ironic phase.

As we saw yesterday, the winds of change continue to blow, and it seems like colored deep-V rims may be on their way out. While I'm doubtless not the only person who has been longing for their disappearance, the unfortunate truth is that this could also lead to the demise of humorous messages applied to wheels with adhesive letters. Then again, as long as people continue to use spokes they will continue to express themselves with their wheels. Take this bike, for example:

Sometimes when the winds of change blow a bunch of debris gets caught in the spokes.

Speaking of change, fashion is not the only thing that is mercurial. It appears that gender too can be a bit of a moving target. A reader informs me that he plugged this very blog into the "Genderanalyzer," and it came back with the result that I am most likely a female:

To be perfectly honest, I have mixed feelings about this result. On one hand, I find it heartening that I have achieved near gender-neutrality, as I of course take great pains not to be a part of the patriarchy of bike culture and bike shops and to ensure that nobody is exluded due to their gender identity. Then again, I can't help but find my gender neutrality somewhat disconcerting as well. I think most of us like to think that our genders are readily discernible to others. As such, learning that I'm slightly a woman makes me feel like some combination of the portrait of Dorian Gray and that photograph of Michael J. Fox in "Back to the Future" in which he fades in and out depending on whether he's being successful in making his parents hook up--it's as though my own "parts" are constantly changing depending on which side of the 50% barrier my gender index is on at any given moment.

Intrigued and disgusted by this notion, I decided to test the accuracy of the Genderanalyzer by plugging in the blogs of some other cycling writers of whose genders I'm reasonably certain. First I tried Fat Cyclist, who it turns out is 62% man. Though not a landslide, the result is certainly decisive and accurate.

Next up was HTATBL, and it may come as a surprise to its author Stevil Kinevil that he is (according to the Genderanalyzer) a whopping 75% female. I'm not sure what led the Genderanalyzer to its incorrect conclusion, but I'm sure Stevil will be pleased to know that he can always print out this result, have it laminated, and use it to gain access to Super Power Inclusion Night at the Derailer Bicycle Collective in Denver, CO.

Next up was Jim at Unholy Rouleur, who was correctly diagnosed to be a male. (He came in at 67%.) I'm not sure why the Genderanalyzer didn't simply check his profile, since the fact that he's named Jim should have upped the odds considerably, but in any case it was correct so I suppose that's all that matters.

Finally, I sent the Genderanalyzer over to unretired professional cyclist, cancer activist, fashion icon, and budding social networking enthusiast Lance Armstrong's Twitter. The Genderanalyzer had little doubt as to Armstrong's gender, and it pronounced him to be a male with a probability of 93%. Unfortunately, I'm sure that this overwhelming result will only lead his detractors to accuse him of using testosterone, and I'm also sure the USADA testers are kicking down his door and demanding that he urinate in a cup as you read this. If you live in the Austin area you've probably seen Armstrong's USADA "urine detail," but if you haven't I can tell you that they shadow him in a Plymouth Reliant and they look uncannily like Richard Dreyfuss and Emilio Estevez in the 1987 film "Stakeout:"

Just imagine the person attached to that leg slipping on a Nike cycling shoe instead of a red pump and you've got the idea.

But when it comes to gender and stalking, nobody is in a better position to stalk people of the opposite sex than a bike messenger:

to the girl in the architecture office - m4w - 26 (everywhere)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-11-15, 8:01PM EST

You are every beautiful girl in every architecture office, at your desk by the door, with your dignified "we love modernism even though we know it's so over" style and your glasses. I am the bike messenger, one of the smart ones too stubborn to get a real job, the architecture school dropout, who is in your office for 15 seconds at a time, who you smile at, who you offer water, who you ask if it's still raining out. I never have time to chat, but maybe after work sometime we can wax nostalgic about saarinen and kahn and talk about the houses we someday want to build for ourselves.

While you can't always tell people's gender from their writing, you can usually tell right away whether or not they're smart. Still, this particular person felt the need to come right out and say it. And if you're still not sure, he's also dropped some names. (As a smart person myself, neither reference was lost on me, and I know both Saarinen and Kahn as notorious "Star Trek" villains.) Furthermore, not content to tout his own intellectual superiority, he's also gone ahead and disparaged other messengers as well as the vocation of messengering by suggesting that it is not a "real job." I suppose what he really means to say is that he's a person of privilege, and that as a person of privilege he has elected as a form of self-expression to do a job that other less privileged people must simply do in order to survive. Moreover, he's also saying that those who are messengers by necessity rather than choice are stupid--or at least not as smart as he is.

Given this, it's no surprise then that so many messengers are poorly compensated and receive no benefits. After all, it's a lifestyle choice, not a real job, right? So why would "smart" people who messenger instead of getting "real jobs" bother to demand better treatment when all they really require is an excuse to ride around the city on weekdays and lord their superiority over non-messengers at alleycats? Sure, this attitude doesn't work out so well for their many co-workers who actually have to messenger, but then again those people ride crappy bikes and speak different languages and don't dress well and are totally unsexy. They're the lumpen-proletariat. Who would want to have anything to do with them? Certainly not beautiful girls who work in architecture offices.

In any case, I wish our smart and stubborn bike messenger luck. I hope he does get together with a beautiful architect, and that together they build a glass house on a hill from which they can gaze bemusedly upon the lumpen-proletariat below.

But the lumpen-proletariat is not the only distasteful group of people out there testing the patience of the sophisticated urban cyclist. There's also the Hasidim. And I wouldn't expect this rivalry to end anytime soon, for it seems the "hipsters" may already have taken to actively baiting their pious minivan-driving adversaries:

you ride a converted track bike... - w4m - 25
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-11-12, 1:50PM EST

...black with straight handlebars. you dodged the minivans in south williamsburg beautifully- i am a scandal, a reason for the outcry of bike lane indecency in my neighborhood. wanna be part of the problem?

As one who longs to see a peaceful coexistence along the Great Hipster Silk Route, I was dismayed to read this. Certainly intentionally scandalizing your neighbors is no way to live in harmony with them. My only hope is that this is an isolated incident. Perhaps this particular woman is simply a Semitic exhibitionist who derives a perverse thrill from being watched by Hasidim, and she's hoping that the guy with the conversion and the straight handlebar shares her proclivities. Assuming this is the case and they do connect, they can then place another Craigslist ad seeking a minyan to observe their lovemaking. And maybe--just maybe-- such a fetish will allow the "hipsters" and the Hasidim live happily together after all.

I also hope that things have gotten better over in London. A reader recently forwarded me this article from his archives, which despite being a year or so old is still relevant today:


If you're anything like me, you're simultaneously shocked that a cyclist could be capable of such brutality and dismayed that there's no video of what doubtless must have been a highly entertaining and comical interaction.

Lastly, you may recall that not too long ago I was somewhat critical of a marketing video for the Oso Bike. Well, I'm pleased to report that Oso Bike owner Shane Stock has just informed me he's produced a new version:



I'm sure you'll agree that, with its high-energy techno soundtrack, Stock has finally managed to capture the spirit and excitement of his famous backyard Bacchanalia. You simply haven't experienced gender-bending and Semitic exhibitionism until you've been to Shane Stock's house.

When it comes to cycling, there is nothing more important than staying abreast of the trends. Regardless of whether you're a roadie, mountain biker, singlespeeder, fixed-gear freestyler, triathlete, randonneur, commuter, BMXer, or one of the many types of "freak cyclists" (recumbent riders, triathletes, etc.), always remember that your discipline is subject to the whims of fashion, and to fall out of step with fashion is to miss the very point of cycling itself. So before you lube your chain, top off your tires, and make sure your bolts are torqued properly, you should always make sure your bike is not violating whatever style code is applicable to the sort of riding you do before you head out on your way.

This is why I feel it is my duty to alert you to the fact that one of cycling's most visible trends--the bubblegum-hued deep-V rim trend--may at last be waning. It turns out that no less an authority than aggregator-slash-arbiter of fixed-gear freestyle chic, Prolly, has abandoned his own deep-Vs for the "greener" (or more accurately, blacker) pastures of disc-specific 29er rims. Moreover, he's even gone so far as to express hope that "more and more people will see this and begin to rock* lighter, more durable wheels and not just focus on color-matching their rims to their grips."

(Note: "Rock" means "use;" if you're a competitive cyclist, substitute "run" for "rock." Never use the word "use" or "ride" with regard to bicycle componentry--unless your typical cycling outfit includes a reflective velcro pant cuff retainer and a helmet mirror--and always observe the proper "rock/run" distinction depending on the type of cycling you do. If you're uncertain, generally speaking if you "session" then you "rock" a certain piece of equipment; if you race, then you "run" it.)

I applaud Prolly's decision to embrace function over form and to rock what works best for him. However, the implications of his call for the rest of fixed-geardom to follow are serious and far-reaching and I can't help feeling it was a bit irresponsible of Prolly to announce such a change without putting a contingency plan in place. I don't want to cause a panic, but I would strongly recommend that if you are rocking (or, less likely, running) colored deep-V rims that you remove them from your bike immediately and consign them to a closet until we know for sure where this is going. If they are in fact going out of style then it will be at least a few years before your colored deep-V rims can be rocked again ironically. (Something can be rocked ironically once the last person who has been rocking it sincerely has finally stopped rocking it, which is why it is vital to closely monitor remote corners of the midwest for trend fallout. Premature Ironic Rockage--or PIR--can be very dangerous, as sincerity and irony can be toxic if allowed to mix.) Remember, this is not a recall--it is simply a "wheel advisory," like Shimano recently issued because of their poorly-designed spoke plugs. (If you are in possession of that particular wheel, I recommend either rocking or running rim tape depending on your riding style.)

As for other forms of fashionable fixed-gear wheels, it's difficult to say what this means. The Hed 3 remains popular (particularly when it costs more than the rest of the bike on which it is being rocked), though the rise of the 29er disc rim in the fixed-gear freestyle realm may mean that the Hed 3 is only rocked on special occasions. Say, for example, your evening will not involve sessioning but it will involve a leisurely ride to a trendy bar in order to take in the premier of a new fixed-gear movie. In such a case the Hed 3 might be appropriate and thus could become the fixed-gear equivalent of putting on a bow tie. Even so, if you ride a fixed-gear and you don't already own a Hed 3 I would advise against purchasing one for the time being. Actually, I'd advise agaist purchasing any deep-section rim right now. So if you're in the midst of some kind of piecemeal upgrade like the rider below, who's already got the long-valve tube but is evidently still saving up for the deep-dish wheel to go with it, I would keep your money in escrow. (Though you may allow your bike to continue engaging in auto-fellatio.)

And as far as aerospokes go, I maintain that they've already gone from sincere to ironic, as you can see here. Or here. Moreover, here in New York City the "almost-spoke" design has actually won the Department of Transportation's CityRacks Design competition, which means we'll soon be seeing almost-spokes all over town:

Note that the DOT is calling it the "Hoop," though this is clearly a thinly-veiled attempt to get around Aerospoke's trademark.

Less clear is whether knuckle tattoos have moved from sincere to ironic. One thing's for sure, though: they're still in style. A reader recently forwarded me this moving image:

If this is a man, then these hands obviously belong to a fixed-gear rider, since as we all know gears are for queers. (Or for anyone who is excluded by the patriarchy of bike culture and bike shops because of their gender identity.) Then again, this may not say "Love Tits," since the little ladies' room symbol isn't necessarily standing in for an "I." It could be an "A," and the tattoo could say "Love Tats." It could also be an "O," which would mean that the wearer either loves Tater Tots or simply loves tots, as in toddlers. If it's the latter, that is disturbing for a whole other set of reasons. I don't know what kind of bikes the people who love tots ride, but I do know tot-lovers are not treated very well in prison. It could also be that the wearer is a woman, and she's simply expressing her exclusion by the patriarchy of bike culture and bike shops because of her gender identity. But whatever the case, it's safe to say that knuckle tattoos are still hotter than a freshly-microwaved tater tot.

And when it comes to trends, probably the only thing hotter than a knuckle tattoo is a penny-farthing. When it comes to "keeping it real," the penny-farthing makes the fixed-gear look as obnoxiously high-tech as a 22-speed crabon fiber wonder bike. Erik K sent me this photo, and while I was pleased to see that the rider was not rocking a colored deep-V I was also dismayed that the bike wasn't locked up well:


When you ride a bike as hot as this you simply cannot leave it unlocked poorly locked and unattended. Not only do you run the risk of having your bike stolen by someone who looks like this, but you'll also have to put old-timey "Wanted" posters all over town since the sorts of people who ride penny-farthings don't use Craigslist. (Too high-tech.) And if you're still in doubt that penny-farthings are desireable, here's a second photo which proves they're indeed chick magnets:

Oh, yes. Gears may be for queers, but diamond frames, two wheels of equal size, and non-direct drive transmissions are for nellies and confirmed bachelors. Real men ride ordinaries (whilst wearing tweed undergarments).

Before we begin, I feel it is my duty to keep you apprised of the Chris King Headset Composite Index:


The good news is that volume has increased, and the CKHCI is up from last week's low of 67. But the bad news is that the index remains low at just above 70:

While any uptick is encouraging, it remains to be seen how things will play out as we move into the holiday buying season.

Moving on, I've prepared a quiz in order to further dampen your enthusiasm as we move into the weekend. As always, study the question carefully and choose your answer. If you're right you'll see the item or some other confirmation that you're correct. If you're wrong, you'll see part I of the episode of "Family Ties" in which Alex P. Keaton gets addicted to speed.

Also, please note that, as usual, this quiz contains a melange of material, some of which I came across myself and some of which was forwarded by readers. I just want to take this opportunity to thank the many readers who send me links and photos. Please know that, while I'm not always able to respond, I'm always grateful to receive it and I consider myself very fortunate to receive so much email, even when it is somewhat disturbing.

Good luck, thanks for reading, and ride safe this weekend.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) What lies beneath the tarp in Opinionated Cyclist's latest video?

--Green beans

--Yellow moons

--Orange stars

--Dead bodies


2) The Agency for Cycling Ethics (ACE) has:

--Named Jonathan Vaughters to its Board of Directors

--Added "wheelsucking" to its list of ethics violations

--Won the coveted "Golden Stream" award from the American Urinalysis Society

--Gone belly-up




3) According to a recent Seattle Times article, what may signal the death of the bike messenger?

--New and prohibitively strict insurance requirements

--Court system e-filing

--A statewide ban on self-righteousness

--The rise of the Mogo scooter messenger

4) What is this?

--A great armada of refuse, plying the Hudson Street bike lane under a gloved masthead

--A new Terry Gilliam film shooting in Manhattan

--Part of a citywide bike lane cleanup program

--The morning after yet another Transportation Alternatives soirée

5) Who can come to S.P.I.N. (Super Power Inclusion Night) at the Derailer Bicycle Collective in Denver?

--"Wimmin"

--The "gender queer"

--"Anyone...who is excluded by the patriarchy of bike culture and bike shops because of their gender identity"

--All of the above

6) What is this?

--The final destination for a great armada of refuse

--The set of a new Terry Gilliam film

--Chez BSNYC

--Bigvalueguy World Headquarters, located in the Republic of Texas

7) Cipo's back!

--True

--False


8) What is VeloNews technical editor Lennard Zinn's advice to a rider with a scuff on his Dura Ace crank?

--Get over it

--Get over yourself

--Home anodization

--Crank replacement

9) According to old crappy 10-speed expert Cameron, when it comes to old crappy 10-speeds shoddy cyclocross conversions may be the new shoddy fixed-gear conversions.

--True

--False

***Special NOT SAFE FOR WORK bonus question***(Warning: no good can come of answering this question correctly.)
How do you know when a man is waaay too excited about his new Sora-equipped road bike?

--The crotchal region of his half-shorts is distended

--He is slavering copiously

--He has taken a photograph of himself with it in flagrante delicto

--It is impossible to be excited about a Sora-equipped road bike

In yesterday's post, I delved a bit into the world of weirdness. And weirdness is like an annoying song or a word you never heard before, because once you become aware of it you suddenly realize it's everywhere. Take for example the latest wheel from mail-order retailer Performance, forwarded to me by a reader:

I must admit I was taken in by this clever fabrication, and only realized it wasn't real when I tried to place an order for one to put on my Ironic Orange Julius Bike. While you might think that makes me gullible, keep in mind Performance have already referenced this blog in the past, so a prêt-à-rouler AYHSMB wheel is really not so far outside the velodrome of possibility.

And if you're looking for weird and real, look no further than this mind-bendingly freakish geared singlespeed cyclocross bike, photographed by a reader at the SSCXWC this past weekend:

At first glance, a bicycle with dual 39-tooth chainrings up front and eight 16-tooth cogs in the rear may seem pointless. But upon further reflection, it becomes apparent that this bicycle is not so much about functionality as it is about challenging the very definition of a singlespeed. Is a bicycle that shifts still a singlespeed? After all, there is only one possible gear ratio. Then again, does this bicycle offer the rider an advantage that the traditional singlespeed (or even the dinglespeed) does not--that being the ability to continue on in the event of a damaged cog or chainring without dismounting? Is this advantage cancelled out by the fact that damage to the derailleur could render the bike unrideable? Most importantly, what does this bicycle say about the world we live in? I put forth that it says a great deal about fate and the illusion of choice. If one believes in fate, then certainly one believes that regardless of what choices we make the end result will be the same. Are we not all shifting and shifting our whole lives yet never out-shifting inevitability? The fatalist would probably argue that we are. Whether you love or hate this bike may say less about your definition of a singlespeed than it does about your views on predestination and free will.

After viewing and pondering this photo I then visited HTATBL. I can't say with certainty whether I did so by fate or free will, but I can say I learned from the photo at the bottom of the page that the Predestination Bike belongs to none other than Chris DiStefano of Chris King as he is pictured with it. He confirmed that the bike shifts across the entire range front and rear, but he would neither confirm nor deny that Chris King is planning to bring a geared singlespeed drivetrain to market. (Though in fairness to him that was probably because I didn't ask him.) In any case, here's a closer look if you'd like to meditate on it further.

And this isn't the only perplexing bike out there. Not by a long shot. It appears that there's a one-man operation in Denver that specializes in freak bikes:

Fixie/Single Speed conversions, frames and complete bikes for sale. - $100 (Hardsole5280)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-11-11, 11:46PM MST

*High quality single speed and fixed gear conversions *I can build anything from a sturdy polished turd to a fully blinged out race machine, as with anything the sky is the limit. I like to help people build wacked out bikes I have a few frames for sale on hand right now, they come cleaned, waxed and ready to build with rebuilt or replaced bottom brackets and headsets. Call or email for brand/size/price.

Single speed conversion:
$100.00 plus parts (single speed cog, chain ring bolts and wheel dishing if needed.... there is really only one reason I dish wheels, its for people who run big front chain rings, and cant get the proper chain line with bb replacement alone.) you will need brakes for a single speed build too.

Fixie conversion:
$80.00 Plus parts (wheels, track cog, locking ring, and chain ring bolts)

Frame up build:
$115 and up

Custom Shifter brake conversions:
$50.00 for a single brake (front)
$75.00 for dual (front and rear)
Prices include: levers, cables installation and adjustment I can sell you side pull brakes if you do not have them

I take pride in the bikes that I build, and I get excited every time I see one of my own in the streets. I have all the correct tools to do conversions properly, several years under my belt as a bike tech at a few diffrent shops and I take my time to do the work right. I stand behind my work and will always tune up one of my bikes as long as you can bring it to me. On that note, I can do tune ups on all bikes, but my rates are no less then that of a reputable shop, and I am all for people supporting their local shop. I do however like to wrench on vintage hi end stuff, and have seen most everything out there.
Need advice building your own bike? I am glad to help however I can.

Thanks,
Shawn
720.352.---- (email is best as I cant always get to my phone and I am horrible about checking my messages, but you are welcome to call.

For me, the dual drivetrain and the shifter-actuated brake caliper are not especially compelling. If you're going to make an impractical mechanical choice, I feel that choice should at least serve some higher purpose. It should strive to provoke thought, challenge people's preconceptions, or allude to some greater truth. These on the other hand seem to have been done simply to prove they can be done. They're irreverent at best, and ostentatious and dangerous at worst. And both have been done already anyway. But some mechanics can raise the freak bike to an art form. Their medium is the workaround, and their art is a symphony of kludges that can be heartrending to behold. Or at least highly entertaining.

Then there's this, spotted in Tucson:

Even though I generally discount a bicycle once a motor has been applied to it, I feel this one is noteworthy in that it employs a Spinergy Rev-X. Even though that engine probably puts out less horesepower than an electric pencil sharpener, I'd still be frightened to send any horespower to a wheel as brittle as the Spinergy. Then again, judging from the right side, it looks like the bicycle can also be operated in regular pedal mode. (Unless that gear is simply there to kickstart the engine.) In any case, I'm sure you could at least raise the wheel off the ground and use it to cut meat, so congratulations to the builder on what is surely the world's first offroad deli slicer.

Yes, contradicitons can be cacophonous or mellifluous, and here's an example from the fixedgeargallery of the former:


Now, I should be clear that I have nothing against people who own both bicycles and cars. It's the 21st century after all, and sometimes you just need a car. Sure, some people choose to move by bike, or to transport their wives to the hospital in bicycle cargo trailers when they go into labor, but the fact remains that sometimes it is OK to drive. (Though I don't understand why Papa John's uses cars to deliver pizzas in Brooklyn--nor why anyone in Brooklyn would order from Papa John's.) However, I can't stress enough that car ownership automatically disqualifies you from having a "One Less Car" sticker on your bicycle. Period. We've seen this sort of thing before. Sure, I suppose this person think's it's OK since when he's on his bike he's not driving his car at the moment, thus freeing up some space on the road. But that's like wearing a straight-edge t-shirt and taking it off when you get high. Or maybe he was contemplating buying a Lancer Evo in addition to the car he already has, but decided to use the down payment on the Jamis instead, so he figured the sticker was acceptable. But it's just not. A theoretical car that might have been is simply not an actual car. The sticker makes even less sense since it's pretty obvious from his choice of vehicle that he enjoys cars and driving. Self-hating car drivers at odds with their own automobile ownership drive things like Priuses; they don't drive rally-inspired sports cars like the Subaru WRX. And whatever they drive, they don't use it as a prop when they submit their bicycle to an online gallery.

Then again, maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps I should go back to gazing into the eight-speed singlespeed Cassette of Predestination.

We all long for something. I think it's safe to say that, no matter how free from petty concerns some of us may be, each one of us has some deeper desire that compels us forward. Gandhi longed for a free India; Levi longed to ride (until his site was taken down); and the owner of the "All You Haters Suck My Balls" wheel longs for all you haters to suck his balls. Even inanimate objects can long for other inanimate objects, as you can see from the above photo which depicts a Schwinn longing for a Vespa. I'm sure the Schwinn's owner also longs to move from one dandyish mode of urban transport to another. If you've ever purchased a new bike you know that moment of excitement and anticipation when you move your saddlebag from your old bike to the new one. I imagine the Schwinn-to-Vespa transfer would be similar, except instead of a saddlebag you'd move a loaf of French bread or something.

I too long for something, and that is a world without stupid behavior. And recently, I made an important discovery, which is that while you can't change the world you can change your own perception of it. Certainly I can't eradicate stupidity from the Earth (if only because that would also involve eradicating myself), but I can keep myself from getting angry about that stupidity. This realization in turn brought me to a revelation: Stupidity minus Anger equals Weirdness. In other words, when I observe something inexplicable and get angry about it, I've observed something stupid. But when I observe something inexplicable and don't get angry, I've simply observed something weird. And weirdness is much easier to live with than stupidity.

Take for example this taxi, which stopped abruptly in front of me in the bike lane this morning in order to pick up a fare:

I failed to capture the fare before she disappeared into the taxi, but I will say she was blonde and she had probably been waiting for a minivan taxi for some time, as it's one of the few hailable vehicles in the city that could have accommodated her girth. While you'll note that there is some room left in the bike lane for me to pass, there's also a truck directly in front of the taxi. However, instead of getting angry, squeezing through, and verbally attacking the driver, I chose to simply stop and observe. Sure enough, what might have otherwise stricken me as stupid (a taxi stopping directly in front of me to pick up a fare almost as large as itself) simply appeared weird.


The second shot I took as I passed reveals the extent of the weirdness, since as you can see there was plenty of room for the taxi driver to let me pass and then pull up alongside the curb. (Sure, he would have been blocking a fire hydrant, but even if a fire were to suddenly break out would the city really be worse off for the loss of a restaurant called "Nooch?") Weird, then, that he would instead speed past me and suddenly stop, as if his large fare might suddenly flee like a frightened mammal of the plains. In fact, when he stopped for her the urgency with which he did so made me think he was going to leap out of the taxi and apprehend her with a net. In any case, he didn't seem to mind my photographing him, and he even waved to me as he drove off:


What a freaking weirdo.

There was other weirdness as well. These days, aggressive urban riding is in vogue, and I attribute this to the spate of fixed-gear movies featuring people riding in traffic (such as MASH, Macaframa, and the upcoming Empire). It is now de rigeur to weave heedlessly through traffic, and apparently it is a forfeiture of your masculinity to stop at a red light under any circumstances. (Though apparently you can salvage a bit of it by at least doing a trackstand at the light.)

Unfortunately, while many of these riders have the look down they don't have the ability to match. Lately, I've been getting stuck behind riders who have misjudged the distance between cars and been forced to stop. (It's a sad sight, really--like watching a cat get its head caught in a shoe or something.) I've also been finding myself literally being circled at red lights, since the people who can't trackstand just ride around and around instead. (Imagine being circled by a shark, but the shark's riding a Pista, wearing a u-lock holster, and looks mildly afraid instead of coolly detached.) And just this morning, I was riding behind either a messenger or some approximation of a messenger whose riding style had all the trappings of the urban daredevil--except for the speed. He couldn't have been going more than a few miles an hour, but he weaved unecessarily between cars and even skitched off a barely-moving van for a few moments. I would have gladly let him ride away from me, but it would have impossible to do so without stopping altogether. After he let go of the van, he swung his arm around and around exactly like Pete Townshend banging out a power chord (I'm not sure if this was to warn me of his turn or to rub my nose in the fact that he had just performed the world's slowest skitch) and headed west on an eastbound street. It was like watching someone clear a hopscotch course and then give you the finger.

But when it comes to weirdness, nobody outdoes the Opinionated Cyclist. A polarizing figure in the cycling world, the OC has recently taken to talking almost exclusively about me. To be completely honest, I find this very disappointing as I feel it is a tremendous waste of his prodigious talent. However, I also acknowledge he does have some legitimate concerns:

Now I'm not a journalist (this is a journalist), nor do I believe in patrolling comments, but I will go on record as saying that there's no evidence of which I'm aware that the OC has ever harmed a sex worker.

That said, in the spirit of the principles on which this great nation was founded (chief among those principles being the right of every American to purchase quality pre-built gazebos at discount prices) I refuse to censor comments. My advice to the OC is to ignore these groundless accusations. Better yet, instead of calling Jim (a.k.a. the Unholy Rouleur) "dumb," simply apply the "Stupidity minus Anger equals Weirdness" formula. If you don't get angry at Jim's comments you'll realize his claims are simply weird. And weird can even be funny. (If you're the sort of person who finds dead prostitute jokes funny, that is. And remember: this is America, and you're as free to choose which jokes to laugh at as you are free to choose which gazebo to buy.)

Rest assured, OC, I embrace you and all cyclists as my siblings. Truth be told, we're all a little weird in our own way.

Can I go back to bed now?

As it grows colder (at least in the parts of the country that count), increasing numbers of cyclists will begin moving their training indoors. Personally, I'm against training. In fact, I feel that if you're against doping in cycling then you should be against training too. Some riders have access to more and better training, which in turn forces their competitors to attempt to match that training in order to level the field. In turn, the former riders seek out increasingly esoteric training methods to reclaim their advantage. The result is a cycle as vicious as it is dorky, and as anybody who's spent any time around bike racers knows, training (like drugs) can take a horrible toll on a person. Sure, training is much less likely to kill you than drugs are, but in large doses it is almost guaranteed to make you incredibly boring and unpleasant to be around. If I want to have fun, I'll ride my bike. But if I want to spend a lot of time around people who constantly monitor their bodies with electronics, can't drink alcohol, and go to bed early, I'll volunteer my time at a hospital.

If you still insist on training, you can at least minimize the risks by sticking with more old-fashioned techniques. And few techniques are more old-fashioned than riding the rollers naked:

Please note that I've made this image safe for work by applying a t-shirt and a pair of cycling shorts. Note also that I've taken the additional step of making it artistically viable by tinting it with a sepia tone. (However, as always, you are free to view the unsafe and unsepia version at your own risk here [link removed at rider's request].) Naked roller riding in front of a mirror has a number of advantages, chief among them being that it keeps you cool and it allows you to monitor both your technique and your body art. However, if you do plan to train sans chamois you might want to consider staying both comfortable and sanitary by using a saddle cover. Also, think about getting a relevant set of knuckle tattoos for additional motivation:



Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

You might even consider applying the tattoo thusly so that it's legible in the mirror:

And as the winter wears on and you inevitably grow tired of the sight of your own naked and tattoed body, consider getting a top tube-mounted mahogany iPod dock:


ipod dock for bicycle (bk)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-11-09, 9:28PM EST

impress your pals with this handmade mahogany ipod touch dock. it has a cush inside and removable clip to securely hold your tunes. one of a kind. make me an offer or trade.

The only thing classier and more impressive to pals than riding the rollers naked while staring at yourself in the mirror is riding the rollers naked while staring at yourself in the mirror and simultaneously entertaining yourself with a state-of-the-art handheld device ensconced in mahogany. Though I must say that the mahogany iPhone dock is the ugliest thing I've seen on a top tube since visiting the eminently unsafe-for-work Teabags on Top Tubes. Perhaps the good people behind that site can get hold of one of these for testing (or testi-ing). I understand the seller is also working on a Zune-compatible model which will be carved from a hunk of cheddar cheese.

And stupid wooden boxes aren't the only thing you'll find on Craigslist. There's also been a tremendous surge of media interest on the subject of bike theft. In addition to the call for stories we saw last week, here's a freelance journalist who wants to hear your tales of woe:



HAVE YOU HAD YOUR BIKE STOLEN? I WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT. (NYC)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-11-07, 5:42PM EST

Hi There,
I am a freelance journalist and avid cyclist. I have had my bike stolen from me twice and let me tell you, it was a shocking and most vile experience. I have noticed more and more NYers rolling around the city and I am reluctant to rejoin their ranks because I was burned. Biking still remains an easy, efficient, pro-green and healthy-(if you don't get hit) mode of travel. The city is slowly doing their part to smooth out pot holes, create new bike lanes and some of them are even protected, but what are they doing about these bike thieves?

If any of this ring true to you, or if you have a story to share, please send me an email.

As reader Daddo pointed out in Friday's comments, the typical bike theft account generally consists of little more than "I came out of the Starbucks and turned left and it was gone!" However, I must admit that I am compelled by this journalist's claim that his own experiences with theft were "shocking and most vile." This indicates to me that there's a lot more to his story than a brief errand and a pair of bolt cutters, and I suspect that he may have been separated from his bicycle in a truly sordid manner. A reader recently informed me that the term bike-sexual has been inducted into the Urban Dictionary. Perhaps this journalist had infiltrated some kind of bike-sexual cult for a story by pretending to be one of them, only to be discovered and kept barely alive in a deep hole for months like in "Silence of the Lambs" while the bike-sexuals made perverse love with his bicycle and ultimately absconded with it. I can only hope he saw that other Craigslist ad and answered it, because if nothing else his story would surely make for compelling TV.

I can speak with more certainty to his question about what New York City is doing about bike thieves. The answer, of course, is "nothing." Though in fairness to the city, I'd much rather they focus on stuff like potholes and bike lanes. Of all the problems cyclists in New York City face, theft is the one thing over which you have some measure of control in that you can actually make it difficult for someone to take your bike from you. Unfortunately, many people in New York and across the country still lock their bikes very poorly, and I continue to receive pictures from readers of low-hanging fruit. Here are just a few cautionary examples I've received recently:

Seen on Fixedgeargallery, this bike is secured using the cunning lock-over-the-bars technique. While looping something over something else might keep a rowboat from floating away, it's not going to keep your bike from getting stolen. Although in the rider's defense, I suppose working the lock past those incredibly dorky aero extensions might cost the thief a few more seconds.


Here's a bike in Charottesville, VA locked up by the quick-release front wheel with a pair of novelty handcuffs. The only thing that might delay a thief here is deciding which is easier to open: the skewer or the handcuffs. Note the Bontrager vibration-damping bar plugs, which will ensure the thief's getaway is free from fatigue-inducing road buzz.


Like a drunk on his wedding night, this rider in Oakland, CA seems to have attempted to get it in but ultimately just given up.

Theft frequency varies from city to city, and locking jobs that are sufficient in one city can be insufficient in another. This bicycle was spotted in New York, NY and as such is completely indefensible. Even if the thief chooses not to saw through that electrical conduit for fear of electrocuting himself, both wheels are there for the taking. (Then again, they are Rolfs, which may be enough to render them inherently theftproof.)

But while even a New York thief might be able to resist a pair of Rolfs, you'd think no thief anywhere could possible resist a completely unsecured Full Force Canyon Lands with a u-lock dangling from the handlebars like a Euro pro's earring (as photographed by the proprietor of the Metal Inquisition blog). Yet amazingly, it remains. Perhaps that's because this is one of the few bicycles for which a pair of Rolfs could actually be considered an upgrade.


This bike in Austin, TX (via the proprietor of austinbikeblog.org) remains as well. Perhaps New York is even worse than I thought and a lock hanging from the handlebars really is enough to keep your bike from getting stolen in the rest of the country. Kind of like putting a napkin on top of your drink when you step away from the bar.


I guess that's why nobody's taken a pair of nail clippers and 20 seconds in order to liberate this flimsily-locked Madone in Denver, CO...

...or simply separated these two bikes in San Francisco, CA and dragged them away. Then again, I suppose this presents a conundrum to many San Franciscans, and it's not immediately apparent to them that the bikes are not actually attached to the pole. They're like a pair of Chinese linking rings.



But in its way, this image is the most vexing of all. Not because of the way it is locked, but because it may very well be photographic evidence of the only Bianchi Pista in the world to be equipped with a suspension fork. You'd think no lock on Earth would be strong enough to secure a technological marvel such as this. And it should come as no surprise that this bicycle was spotted at M.I.T., that school where all the smart people go. It clearly belongs to some mathematical genius like that guy from "A Beautiful Mind," and from the looks of it he's just moving into his paranoid and delusional stage.

And speaking of freaky bikes and doping, it seems that Roberto Heras is having a hard time finding a team despite having served his suspension. Frankly, this is shocking to me, since a reader recently brought to my attention that Heras finished second in the 3rd Brompton World Championship:

Professional cycling is truly in a shambles when professional teams are not leaping to sign the runner-up in a folding bike race. I suppose it's only a matter of time before Michael Ball slithers out of his hole in order to claim him. In the meantime, Heras better get out of those clothes and onto the rollers if he's going to win next year's race.

Many people know the story of Diogenes, who supposedly wandered around ancient Greece fruitlessly searching for an honest man. I on the other hand am searching for a one-inch threaded disc-compatible fork and some sense in the fixed-gear world, and so far I've been unable to find either one. Though I rarely venture beyond my local Craigslist, a reader recently forwarded me this listing from Boston, which I felt was noteworthy in its utter wrongheadedness:

Fixed Gear/Single Speed Road Bike - $360 (Framingham)
Reply to: sale-[deleted]
Date: 2008-11-07, 5:32AM EST

I have fifteen new bikes, closeouts from 2008, at about 35% off list. Average price is $360.

I also have some winter-beater single speed/fixies, with all new components, for $190.

The sizes cover riders from 5 fto 1 to 6 ft 6.

E-mail for info.

This tiny shop is helping to make Boston the fixed-gear capitol of America.

Like Thoreau or Gandhi, we don't need Shimano's rotten, over-priced technology !

We don't need yuppies in spandex clown drag, riding high-end carbon bikes, to impress their suburban neighbors.

We don't need the WalMart lumpen-proletariat, riding their department-store junk, with those useless shocks and break-apart shifters.

We are cerebral Bostonians - Harvard, MIT, BU, BC, Northeastern, Wentworth, Berklee, MCA, UMass, Simmons, etc. We won't buy in to the bicycle industry's crap.

Keep it Simple, Stupid. GO FIXIE !

Firstly, I had no idea Boston was working so hard to become America's fixed-gear capital, though I suppose it does make sense, since they do already have their own Langster. Perhaps the city has realized that they're losing out on tourist dollars since so many people travel to places like Portland, San Francisco, and New York City to observe the latest fashions and visit their ultra-chic fixed-gear boutiques. Then again, I'm not sure how many dollars we're talking about since the average fixed-gear tourist probably crashes on someone's couch, brings his own instant noodles, and spends about $27 during a week-long stay. But in these trying economic times every cent counts. And of course right now Boston's only attraction is the real-life Cheers bar, and as exciting as that may be an entire generation of potential tourists is coming of age that knows nothing of Sam, Diane, Frasier, the Coach, Woody, Norm, Cliff the Mailman, and their poignantly funny antics. So I guess they're trying to pump up the "fixed-gear capitol" thing in order to invest in the future.

The ad then goes on to evoke Thoreau and Gandhi, and this is where I start to get angry. First of all, Henry David Thoreau died in 1862, almost 60 years before Shimano was even founded. And while Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi lived until 1948 and could theoretically have had access to Shimano componentry, his feelings towards the company would not have been based on their technology; rather, they would have been complicated by the fact that, while Japan was a potential threat to India, Gandhi did not want to support Britain in the war effort unless India was granted total independence. His aversion was to choosing sides, not choosing gears. Really, Gandhi probably would have chosen to manufacture his own homespun bicycle components, and who's to say they wouldn't have included derailleurs? (Or that they wouldn't have come in four castes: Brahmin, Kshatriya, Vayshia, and Sudra?)

The unfortunate fact is, neither Thoreau nor Gandhi lived to see Shimano innovations such as Hyperglide®, SLR® braking, and of course S.T.I.® shifting. I'm reasonably confident that if Thoreau and Gandhi were not only alive today but were also competitive cyclists that they would at least consider using Shimano components. (I'm also confident they would be the world's slowest but most interesting two-man time trial team.) Yes, I realize both men prized simplicity, but even a bike with a multi-speed drivetrain is extremely simple. The point isn't whether Thoreau would have ridden a singlespeed or a geared bike around Walden; it's that he probably would have chosen a bicycle over a four-wheeled ATV. Also, Shimano's "rotten, over-priced technology" does include track components and singlespeed freewheels and cogs, so I'm not really sure why they're being singled out here. If you really want to find "rotten, over-priced technology" you need to venture outside of the bicycle industry altogether. Have you tried to buy a razor lately?

Having besmirched the memories of two great thinkers, the poster then moves on to both "yuppies in spandex clown drag" and the "WalMart lumpen-proletariat." Firstly, I'm not sure why "spandex clown drag" is any worse than the capri-pants-and-boat-shoes Audrey Hepburn-type drag that many fixed-gear riders choose to wear. Sure, they both look pretty silly, but at least the clown drag is moisture-wicking. More disturbing is the disdain for the "WalMart lumpen-proletariat." Notice the poster hates not only the bicycles but the riders themselves. Indeed, how dare they not be able to afford better bicycles? I'm surprised he didn't call their bikes "un-Carl Farbman-like." I'm also suprised he didn't call the riders themselves "Untermensch" because that's what he seems to be getting at here.

Then again, he is a "cerebral Bostonian" (he says "we" but I'm assuming it's the royal "we") with degrees from at least ten institutions of higher learning: "Harvard, MIT, BU, BC, Northeastern, Wentworth, Berklee, MCA, UMass, Simmons, etc." And as a cerebral Bostonian, he's refrained from the decidedly lumpen-proletariat and un-Carl Farbman-like "gears are for queers," and opted instead for the vastly more eloquent "Keep it Simple, Stupid. GO FIXIE!" This just goes to prove that there are few things more dangerous than a priveleged and immature person with an expensive education. It's like a novice rider on a 300lb motorcycle with a 1000cc engine: too much power and no ability to control it.

Clearly, though, Boston is taking this "fixed-gear capitol" thing seriously. Another reader recently sent me this photo, which also appears to have been taken in Boston:

Yes, this rider is clearly adhering to the "keep it simple, stupid" philosophy. Instead of using a sensible frame, he's compensating for an extremely low front end by using a quill stem so tall it would make Grant Petersen blush. This is like kneeling on a stepladder, or turning the heat up instead of closing the window, or quieting your creaky bottom bracket by turning up your iPod. There's nothing simple about that. The rider also seems to have abandoned "rotten, over-priced technology" (such as brakes and bar tape) in favor of the much more sound and reasonably-priced Aerospoke technology. Best of all, there's a top tube pad, though considering the frame's geometry it would probably offer more crotchal protection on the stem. (There's certainly enough room for it anyway.)

But if Boston truly wants to become the fixed-gear capital, they're going to have to watch out for competition from overseas, where bike-mangling has been raised to the level of an artform:

Indeed, it seems that the people at Pedal Mafia have also finally solved the problem of having to ride your fixed-gear. Thanks to these models (brought to my attention by yet another attentive reader), you can now focus entirely on the most important part: accessorizing!

Now, I don't understand Japanese, so I can't say with any certainty whether or not these are real. But if they are real, they're dangerous. (And not only because 20- and 30-somethings are liable to place them in their mouths and choke on them.) Sure, at first it will just be a few fixters whiling away those snowy days by playing with their fixed-gear models at the bar. But then, when the ice melts and the trees start blooming, they'll find they've become so absorbed in trading and collecting that they've forgotten all about their full-sized bikes and how hard it can be to ride them. And it will only be a matter of time before they start incorporating Bratz into their play.

Personally, though, I have no interest in playing with models of bicycles. I'd much rather ride the real thing. Unless they come out with fixed-gear tub toys, that is. Between that and my bubble bath machine I may never leave the lavatory again.

I don't like to end the week on a negative note. Unfortunately though, I have no choice, because I believe in honesty before diplomacy. And the honest truth is that things are really, really bad. As you may remember, when I first started tracking the Chris King Headset Composite Index on October 27th, it was at 89.79. Just over a week later, on November 4th (Election Day here in the United States), it was at 67:

That's a 22.79 point drop in the CKHCI. If you've got an old box of tires and tubes lying around, I highly recommend boiling them, as the resulting broth is both high in nutrients and surprisingly tasty. It's also what you'll be subsisting on when society comes to a grinding halt and we all start living a real-life version of Cormac McCarthy's "The Road," except with bicycles instead of shopping carts. Actually, it will probably be more like a combination of "The Road" and "Red Dawn," with elements of the "Mad Max" movies thrown in for good measure. It also goes without saying that many of us will resort to cannibalism, not only for sustenance but also to keep our bicycles working. Think bar tape made from human flesh, lubricants of blood, and drivechains of bone. Yes, I know it's horrible to contemplate, but we're not going to survive if we can't face the truth.

And if numbers and graphic imagery won't convince you, perhaps Poorly-Rendered Graphing Technology (PRGT) will:

Or, to put it another way:

What's more, these aren't freakish 1 1/4" headsets, like we saw last time. These are 1 1/8" ones, and they're in good condition, too. The one that went for $51 is "still butttttterrrrr smooth," according to the seller. Sure, it may have had "a very light, faint perfect circle line" from installation, but it was also in a Moots frame, which should count for something. (After all, they have "meticulous Moots welds.")

Likewise, the only thing wrong with the $60 one (besides one "minor abrasion") was that it was missing the Chris King top cap. Now, we all know that Chris King is famous for their precision and tight tolerances, which is why they charge $30 for their headset spacers. (Just try going back to normal spacers after using the Kings. You might as well use the cardboard cylinder from a roll of toilet paper.) So it would stand to reason that their top caps also set headset preload with a degree of accuracy no other top cap can approach. Still, the seller has compensated for this by supplying two--two--non-Chris King top caps, one of which even espouses a non-homophibic affinity for singlespeed bicycles:

Alas, the only conclusion I can draw from this is that we're all doomed. Cyclists everywhere are no doubt pounding the Chris King headsets out of their frames and liquidating them before the bottom drops out completely. In the meantime, they're almost certainly replacing them with cheaper headsets, which probably means the price of cheap headses will increase. So as the price of King headsets drops and the price of "inferior" headsets goes up, we will see the dreaded "headset price inversion scenario," which I'm pretty sure is also what caused the rampant inflation in Weimar Germany in the 1920s. And as we all know, things didn't go so well after that.

Speaking of singlespeed-specific top caps (never, ever use a singlespeed-specific top cap on a geared bicycle by the way), this weekend will see the running of the Single Speed Cyclocross World Championships. I'm not even going to bother mentioning where the SSCXWC is being held since it should be obvious. But if you still need help, let's just say it's someplace moist and bike-friendly. (And don't mean Mario Cipollini's crotchal region, though I hear they may hold it there next year.) And if there are two things singlespeeders love, it's ironic world championships and gender-bending. Here's the winner of last year's men's race, Barry Wicks, wearing the SSCXWC "golden speedo" (otherwise known as the hamac de banane d'or) at the regular non-cyclocross-specific SSWC in Napa, CA this past August:

We truly live in a, well, golden age of irony when a professional cyclist can wear the disgustingly revealing bikini he won at one ironic world championship while competing in another.  And while wearing a golden speedo isn't necessarily crossdressing, I do think it's noteworthy that so many competitive male cyclists will seize upon even the slightest opportunity to wear women's clothing.  Apart from the SSWC, in which a sizable portion of the male competitors wore skirts, there are also such things as the Urban Outlaw Cyclocross Dress Series.  Frankly, I don't have a good explanation for this behavior, nor for why it's especially popular on the West Coast.  I suppose it's some combination of being unable to resist the "cross" double entendre, deeply repressed desires bubbling to the surface in the pressure cooker of competition, and wanting to sneak into restricted bicycle repair clinics.
In any event, those of us stuck on the East Coast must find more prosaic ways to entertain ourselves, since we're too busy dealing with the harsh realities of life to frolic in the mud while wearing women's underpants.  (Instead, we toil in the mud while wearing skinsuits.)  So if you live on the serious side of the country and you don't have the time or inclination to participate in one of the unironic cyclocross races happening in your area, you can at least share the misery of having your bicycle stolen with a television production company:


EVER HAD YOUR BIKE STOLEN? (Downtown)
Reply to: job-904849107@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-03, 9:06PM EST

If you have a great story to tell about a stolen bike, we want to hear it! You could be featured on the new HBO Project SOMEONE STOLE MY BIKE.

We're looking for people with tragic, funny, interesting, gut-wrenching, biza